I'm so glad to hear the visit was everything you'd hoped it would be!  I was just thinking about you the other day, and wondering how things were going.  :)

As always, you pose good questions, and timely for me.  My life has been full of challenges this year, and I find myself more fragile than I ever remember being, which is quite terrifying.  I expected by my age I'd have mastered invincibility.  Instead, I feel an increase in vulnerability.

But I think ... yes, I think the best thing to do is learn to co-exist with my vulnerability, and press onward.  Try to make peace with my insecurities, and learn to enjoy the good.

I've always referred to this as The Big What-Ifs.  While, ironically, I actually like myself and feel more comfortable in my skin as I get older, I've discovered an ever-increasing collection of the darn What-Ifs.  I think about them all the time!  So much so that I tend to hyperfocus on the things I do well - organize, plan, be bossy... you get the idea.  Anything to avoid the things I cannot control, the things that might go wrong, the little details that might escape me.  Someone once told me that the female equivalent of the Type A is called an Ocelot.  All I heard that first time I heard it was "a lot"... yeah, I do take on a lot.  And I expect it to be perfect.  I tend to build to such high expectations that I find myself letting MYSELF down before anyone else can.

I dunno really where I'm going with this, I swear I had a point when I clicked "comment."  LOL

I guess I'm saying, try to go easier on yourself.  Imagine the worst: Your wedding dress doesn't fit right.  The caterer burns all the food.  It rains.  A dear relative passes a week before the big day.  Yes, all these things will alter how you ultimately recall your wedding day.  But if you learn to be a little more flexible, a little more forgiving of yourself.. well, maybe it won't turn out to be such a big deal, right?  So the dress is too big - easier to get off in the honeymoon suite.  The caterer burns all the food - get a discount and laugh about it at your 20th anniversary.  It rains - well, I guess this one would depend on your locale, but any way about  it, get under cover, kiss your groom and laugh about it later.  A dear relative passes?  Postpone.  Or don't, and  mention him/her in the ceremony.  Life is flexible, so why aren't we women more forgiving of ourselves?

It is just another day, but one that women have been brow beaten to believe has to be perfect, just like we expect perfection of ourselves.  Let things go a little south... after all, didn't you just learn that things are more fun down there?

Kadair - I too thought that as I got older, I'd feel more in control of things.  And even if I didn't, I didn't expect to have these teenage-like insecurities creeping upon me.  I know these things are cyclical, but I really feel like I must find the thoughts and behaviors that counteract these insecurities before they get out of control. 

Thanks for thinking of me.  We had a great time!!  I've been getting bits and pieces of you and Free from his posts recently.  Hope you two are doing well! 

Oursdemaman - thanks for your comment!  I am also one to always want to have control.  Sometimes flexibility is a fallacy. I fool myself into thinking that I am flexible because I try to account for all of the things that could go wrong in a situation so that I can deal with things going wrong.  I know that it puts my mind at ease in a sense because I will be more prepared when something does go wrong.  However, it is definitely more stressful.  Flexibility to me is just going with the flow, like you said, no matter what happens.  I miss that carefree me.  As we get older and more experience, however, we can foresee future incidents happening so much more because we have the experience to recognize these possibilities.  The ignorance of youth is bliss, as they say.  While at the same time, with experience comes the ability to make preparations and control a lot more.  It is definitely a trade-off. 

Two small comments from a 54 year old:

1. No, insecurities do not get worse with age. The opposite is true.

2. You are not invincible. The sooner you work that one out the better!